Looking Smart

Now THERE is dedication. 
Buying your smart in the colors of the German flag.
GO KRAUTS GO!
Someone is in the spirit of the European Football Championship.
Side note. See the Mercedes-Benz symbol by the door handle? Strange. I’ve never seen a smart branded with the Mercedes logo before. Of course the smart car is manufactured under the Daimler AG wing… but why the logo? I’m sad to say that I didn’t notice it before, so I have no idea how it was branded on the grill. Perhaps there is a Smart expert lurking in the wings with some answers?
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Did you know Santa has dyslexia?

I’ve been given the wonderful task of coming up with the perfect holiday card text for my workplace. It is supposed to have no “Christmassy” feel since there are so many religions. It should be good for our past customers, while acknowledging that some recipients have not yet been our customers. Lovely right?

In my search for a good place to start (Don’t you just LOVE the Internet? What did we do before?), I found this wonderful little treasure trove of funny Christmas card messages.

So if you’re having trouble coming up with the perfect message to send to friends and family, perhaps you would like to use one of these:

1. This is a special Christmas card message. I found it on the Internet.

2. Santa was laid off this year. Good thing we have a stimulus package under the Christmas Tree.

3. Energy and environmental experts predict that, at current consumption rates, Santa will run out of sustainable coal for stockings by 2020. Stop being so naughty!

4. I bought you a car for Christmas this year… I meant CARD. Oops, did I say car?

5. I bought this envelope for you and they threw in the Christmas card for free.

6. I’m not sure what you wanted for Christmas, so I just got you this card.

7. I would tell you, “Merry Christmas,” but I don’t think it will work out between you two.

8. Did you know Santa has dyslexia? He spells his name S-a-t-a-n.

9. Too bad we can’t show each other the same Christian love on the road and in stores the way we do at Christmas time.


10. He knows when you are sleeping… He knows when you’re awake… He knows when you’ve been bad or good… He knows how much you make… I’ll give you one guess. That’s right, big brother, the government.

11. “It’s ironic that at the same time our bellies are gaining weight during the holidays, our wallets are going on a diet and losing weight. Happy Holidays”

12. “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year’s Resolution Failure.”

13. “What do you get when you take Christmas time and take away all the hassle of shopping and busyness of the traditions? A Holy Day. Happy Holidays!”

14. “If you divorce Christmas using the Santa Clause, Christmas becomes X-mas. Then you can marry Holly Day!”

15. “Wishing you a holiday season filled with stress, cold, and anger. Hey, at least this is realistic.”

16. “Sorry kids, Santa died. But the good news is now you can listen to Santana songs instead of Santa songs at Christmas time.”

17. “I think the holidays were created to punish those who have been naughty. I must be on the naughty list every year, cause I feel punished.”

18. “I got an idea, let’s make a day every year where people are pressured socially to be kind, generous, happy, and patient. Oh yeah, that’s already been done. Merry Christmas.”

19. “Santa is just another example that fat dudes are the jolliest. Have a jolly Christmas.”

Messages from the boss:

1. Enjoying the holidays is at least one thing that is not in your job description, but we’re adding it this year. Here’s to enjoying the season. Happy Holidays!

2. Thanks for rescheduling your Christmas break to March so you could work this holiday season. Merry St. Patrick’s Day!

3. Sorry to let you know this in this holiday card, but we’re relocating to the North Pole, and we’ve outsourced your job to Santa’s Elves. We got a tax break and the elves work for low pay and don’t need benefits. Happy Holidays.

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World Cat Day 2011 Disappointment

Hello to my faithful readers. You may or may not know that my humans went on holiday for a week to someplace in the mountains. I have no idea why they would do that when they could go to one of those beach places and enjoy playing in a huge kitty toilet. But they never ask my opinion. Silly humans.

Speaking about silly humans. August 8th should be a day burned into the little brains of every human. It is World Cat Day! Don’t shake your head and say you didn’t know, of course you know, it is the most important day there is! I really didn’t find it humourous that none of my humans acknowledged this fantastic day. I mean, it is like birthday and Christmas all wrapped up in one. How could they forget? No, being on holiday is no exception. Oh well, they will soon find that lovely little surprise I left under their bed. Maybe next year they will work harder to make it a special day for me. 

I wanted to write to you earlier, but as I was staying at my holiday home I couldn’t seem to figure out the mouse on Opa’s computer. I’ve always considered my paws to be superior to human hands, but I guess not having thumbs holds me back while doing people things. Also I’m not as young as I used to be, so I just don’t have patience for these matters. In the end I had to wait until my main humans got back so I could use human B’s laptop, the ironically named mouse pad is easier for my superior paws.

Oma and Opa were very excited for me to visit, so I graced them with my presence, allowing them to cater to my every whim since it seems to make them so happy.

I especially enjoy what I call the balcony game. This is where I stand expectantly in front of the balcony door as though I wish to go outside, you know, for the fresh air. If no one gets up to assist me immediately I let out one of my best frustrated meows which usually gets one of them jumping.

Then of course I need to let them know I am not happy about the delay, so once the door is open, I hesitate, looking up at whoever opened the door as if to say “about time”. Usually I wait until they get annoyed and act like they are closing the door before I signal my intention that NOW I’m ready to go outside.

I get fresh moist food twice a day with dry food always available, thankfully Opa is not skimpy with that dry food. I really hate it the way human B lets that bowl get wayyyy too empty if you know what I mean. But Opa is great, I never see the bottom of the bowl when he’s around. It’s how I know that he loves me.

It is nice to know that they take their jobs seriously. Opa is always watching as I exit the cat box so he can immediately clean it. This is a service I wish I could get at home, but after 15 years of trying to train my human, I’ve given up.

Oma also knows exactly what makes me happy. She often slips me special goodies because she says I’m getting too thin. Before I come for my visit she stocks up with lots of fish and liverwurst. I’ve gotten to know lots of great German fishies, wursts and cheeses through her.

She even feeds me what she calls “German sushi”. This must be great stuff because years ago I heard Opa being upset that Oma was feeding me what he called herring rolls and that they were too expensive to feed a cat. I was mad at him for a while after that, let me tell you. So the next time I went to the toilet I let a little bit go outside of the box. It is one of the best kitty revenge possibilities.

If they do complain I never have to hear it, in fact I never have to hear anything again, especially that really annoying neighbor dog with his incessant barking. I mean, didn’t his bitch teach him anything?

It’s really convenient to be deaf. In the old days when I wanted to ignore the humans as they screamed that I shouldn’t be on the table, I had to work hard to control my ear movement so it wouldn’t betray me. Now I don’t worry about it at all.

Being deaf isn’t too bad, as you can see it has its advantages. In 2005, not long after I moved to Germany I got a kitty cold with a high fever. Eventually I got better, although my hearing didn’t.

Oma and Opa’s apartment is in the roof area of their building, so between the slightly warmer temperatures and the actual day of sun or two while my main humans were gone, my normally sleek coat decided to finally do the summer shedding. I couldn’t keep up with it and the fur flew! When human A came to pick me up after their holiday I proved my LOVE for her by sharing my beautiful beige fur with her dark blue shirt. I always think it looks so nice to have a bit of me on everything, and shedding season can really bring out the best.

The bad thing about shedding season is the brushing. They act like I can’t take control of the situation or something. Also they seem to have a problem with the regurgitated hair balls I leave throughout the apartment, so they do their best to keep me distracted while they brush me. On top of that, after five minutes of brushing they pull the vacuum cleaner out and go after me with that! Now don’t get me wrong, when I was younger – and could hear – I would have been under the nearest chair when that noisy thing came around. But without all of that racket to bother me, it isn’t a wholly uncomfortable experience to get a little fur sucking action.

The humans took a long time to adapt, longer than me even. At first I caught them a few times as they were testing me. Once they were shaking a key ring over my head when I wasn’t supposed to be looking. The silly humans didn’t even think about shadows, geeze, I knew they were doing something over my head when the outline of my lovely, velvety ears was overshadowed by that silly IQ fish on human A’s key ring. It took two whole years for them to figure out that vacuum thing for Sphynx’s sake.

After a while I didn’t really like to go outside for walks in my kitty harness and line the way I did when I was younger. The pretty blue harness that compliments my eyes so well has been hidden in the cabinet that smells like cat nip for at least three summers now.

These days my humans seem to be surprised that I know when they come home. Silly humans forget that they stink. Every morning they gross me out as they remove their furs to stand under the really fast special water dropping thing. After that they smell like soap, but by the time they get home after work, they stink. Especially human B who must run home or something, she always comes with special shoes that have metal on the bottom and sets her hard hat down in the hallway at my level. Let me tell you, I made the mistake of closer nose inspection of these things just once.

Otherwise I know they are home simply because I keep one kitty eyelid looking at the door at all times. I always lie down facing the door so I don’t get any nasty surprises. The only time I can really relax and sleep heavily is at night when human A provides her arm for my head. I know that if any danger should come, she would wake me up.

I’m a little tired now.
It’s time to paws and reflect.

When I’m not at my holiday home, I spend most of my time on the bed of my main human. It’s nice and warm there and it smells like the human I like to sleep with. I wish they would get a bed warmer thingie before winter. Surely I could figure out how to keep it turned on throughout the day to help keep these old bones warm.

Now I will wait for next year’s World Cat Day with great anticipation. Maybe some of you can help me figure out how to punish my humans for missing it this year? Ideas?

“You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.”
– George Mikes from “How to be Decadent”

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Truths for Mature Adults

The numbered sentences you are about to read were shamelessly stolen. However, I’m certain it wasn’t the first world-wide occurrence of Internet theft this month, this week, day, minute, or millisecond for that matter.
The blog I’ve victimized is normally written by Maria of “just eat your cupcake“. Very rarely does she copy/paste her entries, and the rare meme is usually popped back out as a question for her readers.
Hers is a blog which is written directly through the outwardly guarded heart of a 50-something, American Mid-western mother in a long-term relationship with a woman she met in college.
She has a talent for unfolding her past and exposing her present for us to see, and doing it beautifully I might add. She can turn a phrase and tell a tale. I dare you to read this entry which is a primer for Maria’s life. It is bit long for the average Netizen, but at least take a tour and see if you like. 
Back to the thievery. I’ve stolen one of her posts and added some other things I’ve had locked away for some time. 
Number 11 is my favorite of all, I think. (Bad decisions make good stories.) Isn’t that the truth? Some of the most interesting people I’ve ever met have made some of the biggest life f**kups I’ve ever heard of.


TRUTHS FOR MATURE ADULTS

1) I think part of a best friend’s job upon your death should be to immediately wipe your computer history.

2) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3) I totally take back all the times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4) There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5) How the hell are you supposed to reasonably fold a fitted sheet?

6) Was learning cursive really necessary?

7) When asked, no one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

8) Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again.

9) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

10) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I call back immediately, it rings six times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

11) Bad decisions make good stories.

12) People who eat at hotel restaurants, don’t deserve to visit other countries.

11) You never know when it will strike but occasionally there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12) I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13) I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

14) Police officers always ask you questions you both know the answer to.

15) Bluetooth headsets look completely moronic.

16) Good music was made (and continues to be made) in every decade. People claiming otherwise tend to have stopped listening to music in whatever decade they say was the best.

14) Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

15) I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

16) I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17) Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

18) When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

19) When you have 10 channels, you can always find something to watch. When you have 500, you complain there’s nothing on.

19) Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie/read a book/listen to a song that I ran across when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw/read/heard it.

20) I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21) Even under ideal conditions people have trouble fishing their car keys out of their pocket or locating their mobile phones. But I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

22) Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

23) Flight deals continue to be reported without taxes included, even though everyone hates this.

24) Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

25) The first testicular guard, the “Cup” was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is important too.

Hey, remember to visit Maria’s blog.

The Definition of Heaven and Hell:

A little European humour here.


In Heaven:

The police are English,
the cooks are French,
the mechanics are German,
the Italians are the lovers,
and it is all organized by the Swiss.

In Hell:

The English are the cooks,
the French are the mechanics,
the police are German,
the Swiss are the lovers,
and it is all organized by the Italians.

Ireland 2005
A little snap of Ireland…
which has nothing whatsoever to do
with this post.