World Cat Day 2011 Disappointment

Hello to my faithful readers. You may or may not know that my humans went on holiday for a week to someplace in the mountains. I have no idea why they would do that when they could go to one of those beach places and enjoy playing in a huge kitty toilet. But they never ask my opinion. Silly humans.

Speaking about silly humans. August 8th should be a day burned into the little brains of every human. It is World Cat Day! Don’t shake your head and say you didn’t know, of course you know, it is the most important day there is! I really didn’t find it humourous that none of my humans acknowledged this fantastic day. I mean, it is like birthday and Christmas all wrapped up in one. How could they forget? No, being on holiday is no exception. Oh well, they will soon find that lovely little surprise I left under their bed. Maybe next year they will work harder to make it a special day for me. 

I wanted to write to you earlier, but as I was staying at my holiday home I couldn’t seem to figure out the mouse on Opa’s computer. I’ve always considered my paws to be superior to human hands, but I guess not having thumbs holds me back while doing people things. Also I’m not as young as I used to be, so I just don’t have patience for these matters. In the end I had to wait until my main humans got back so I could use human B’s laptop, the ironically named mouse pad is easier for my superior paws.

Oma and Opa were very excited for me to visit, so I graced them with my presence, allowing them to cater to my every whim since it seems to make them so happy.

I especially enjoy what I call the balcony game. This is where I stand expectantly in front of the balcony door as though I wish to go outside, you know, for the fresh air. If no one gets up to assist me immediately I let out one of my best frustrated meows which usually gets one of them jumping.

Then of course I need to let them know I am not happy about the delay, so once the door is open, I hesitate, looking up at whoever opened the door as if to say “about time”. Usually I wait until they get annoyed and act like they are closing the door before I signal my intention that NOW I’m ready to go outside.

I get fresh moist food twice a day with dry food always available, thankfully Opa is not skimpy with that dry food. I really hate it the way human B lets that bowl get wayyyy too empty if you know what I mean. But Opa is great, I never see the bottom of the bowl when he’s around. It’s how I know that he loves me.

It is nice to know that they take their jobs seriously. Opa is always watching as I exit the cat box so he can immediately clean it. This is a service I wish I could get at home, but after 15 years of trying to train my human, I’ve given up.

Oma also knows exactly what makes me happy. She often slips me special goodies because she says I’m getting too thin. Before I come for my visit she stocks up with lots of fish and liverwurst. I’ve gotten to know lots of great German fishies, wursts and cheeses through her.

She even feeds me what she calls “German sushi”. This must be great stuff because years ago I heard Opa being upset that Oma was feeding me what he called herring rolls and that they were too expensive to feed a cat. I was mad at him for a while after that, let me tell you. So the next time I went to the toilet I let a little bit go outside of the box. It is one of the best kitty revenge possibilities.

If they do complain I never have to hear it, in fact I never have to hear anything again, especially that really annoying neighbor dog with his incessant barking. I mean, didn’t his bitch teach him anything?

It’s really convenient to be deaf. In the old days when I wanted to ignore the humans as they screamed that I shouldn’t be on the table, I had to work hard to control my ear movement so it wouldn’t betray me. Now I don’t worry about it at all.

Being deaf isn’t too bad, as you can see it has its advantages. In 2005, not long after I moved to Germany I got a kitty cold with a high fever. Eventually I got better, although my hearing didn’t.

Oma and Opa’s apartment is in the roof area of their building, so between the slightly warmer temperatures and the actual day of sun or two while my main humans were gone, my normally sleek coat decided to finally do the summer shedding. I couldn’t keep up with it and the fur flew! When human A came to pick me up after their holiday I proved my LOVE for her by sharing my beautiful beige fur with her dark blue shirt. I always think it looks so nice to have a bit of me on everything, and shedding season can really bring out the best.

The bad thing about shedding season is the brushing. They act like I can’t take control of the situation or something. Also they seem to have a problem with the regurgitated hair balls I leave throughout the apartment, so they do their best to keep me distracted while they brush me. On top of that, after five minutes of brushing they pull the vacuum cleaner out and go after me with that! Now don’t get me wrong, when I was younger – and could hear – I would have been under the nearest chair when that noisy thing came around. But without all of that racket to bother me, it isn’t a wholly uncomfortable experience to get a little fur sucking action.

The humans took a long time to adapt, longer than me even. At first I caught them a few times as they were testing me. Once they were shaking a key ring over my head when I wasn’t supposed to be looking. The silly humans didn’t even think about shadows, geeze, I knew they were doing something over my head when the outline of my lovely, velvety ears was overshadowed by that silly IQ fish on human A’s key ring. It took two whole years for them to figure out that vacuum thing for Sphynx’s sake.

After a while I didn’t really like to go outside for walks in my kitty harness and line the way I did when I was younger. The pretty blue harness that compliments my eyes so well has been hidden in the cabinet that smells like cat nip for at least three summers now.

These days my humans seem to be surprised that I know when they come home. Silly humans forget that they stink. Every morning they gross me out as they remove their furs to stand under the really fast special water dropping thing. After that they smell like soap, but by the time they get home after work, they stink. Especially human B who must run home or something, she always comes with special shoes that have metal on the bottom and sets her hard hat down in the hallway at my level. Let me tell you, I made the mistake of closer nose inspection of these things just once.

Otherwise I know they are home simply because I keep one kitty eyelid looking at the door at all times. I always lie down facing the door so I don’t get any nasty surprises. The only time I can really relax and sleep heavily is at night when human A provides her arm for my head. I know that if any danger should come, she would wake me up.

I’m a little tired now.
It’s time to paws and reflect.

When I’m not at my holiday home, I spend most of my time on the bed of my main human. It’s nice and warm there and it smells like the human I like to sleep with. I wish they would get a bed warmer thingie before winter. Surely I could figure out how to keep it turned on throughout the day to help keep these old bones warm.

Now I will wait for next year’s World Cat Day with great anticipation. Maybe some of you can help me figure out how to punish my humans for missing it this year? Ideas?

“You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.”
– George Mikes from “How to be Decadent”

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They’re BAAACK!

My main human slaves finally came back to worship me on Saturday night. They were gone entirely too long, I had no sleeping heater for three weeks, and you know that it is turning into winter!

Now it is Sunday morning and the slaves are otherwise occupied in the other room. It’s the perfect time to tell you good people I am OK and will of course have trouble once again getting out regular updates.

Right now they are working on one of the big carrier thingies (you know, what they put all of their flimsy furs in when they will be away from home for a while). I overheard someone say that the combination lock on the Samsonite got twisted somehow. So I guess that NOW is a silly time to try to figure out what that combination is, huh? I think I’m safe right here for a long time.

Before they got here to restart their worshiping duties there were phone calls about delayed flights though some place named London (must be a hell hole, I’ve heard LOTS of calls about delays and cancellations in that place). Right after that call my substitute slaves discussed putting me in the car to take me to the airport to go pick up the main human slaves. Let me just tell you I made my way into my newest and unknown hiding spot when I heard that! The last time I went to the airport I was stuck in a box under a seat the whole way from Kansas to Berlin!

As soon as the replacement slaves took off to go get the real slaves I started to think about how best to “welcome” them back. The last time I just ignored them both for at least an hour. If they picked me up, I just turned my head away and did my best to make them put me back down. This really worked and let them know EXACTLY how I felt about them leaving me.

This time I came up with something even more ingenious. The plan was to piss off at least one of my main human slaves while making the other love me even more, but how to achieve this? After a little cat nap it came to me. When they come back, I would ignore the short, round one and show much love and attention to the tall one only. This would make the tall one overly happy and the short one upset. It worked like a dream! The tall one acted smug about it and the short one steamed. Genius I tell you!

Whoops, I just heard the Samsonwhatever thing open up. My time with you is limited.
Since I’m sure that many of you have decided to now worship me from afar, I thought I should tell you as soon as possible what I want for the upcoming holiday season… Just get me one of these and I will be happy for HOURS. That’s what we all want, isn’t it?
Make Frank Happy
Make Frank Happy
Make Frank Happy

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InSinkErKittier

Hey, it’s me again.

I thought I would check on the Internet to see where my main humans are. These slave humans are OK, but they don’t let me sleep with them and that is one of the main requirements of human training. If you can’t sleep on their heads then you can’t whip them into complete submission.

These two are nice enough, but they continue to ignore my pleas for attention at three in the morning. They are allowing me into the bathroom while they are in there though! Almost unlimited “special water”! When they get out of the shower I am allowed to lick the tub to my heart’s content. Those other slaves won’t let me do that.

On a related note, I have found a community of my kind! The Internet is a true wonder. They need to change the name of this “mouse” thing, though.

OK, I’m going to go jump on Grandpa’s other desk for a little nap. He wonders why my fur is up there… ha ha ha!

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Update on my human training progress

Me again.
Let me assure you that my stay in this hotel is OK, the servants are nice, the food is good (mozzaralla once in a while for desert), and I have the whole couch to myself whenever I want. What else does a cat need?

OH, and the toilet facilites, well Grandpa is better than my other main human. He actually cleans it everytime I hop out of it. Yesterday I got in and out without doing anything just to watch him jump up to check. HaHa!

My main human slaves must be far away, something about a HUGE catbox alongside an ocean. I wonder when they will come back? That’s OK, I will just have to keep my temporary slaves on their toes by puking in different, hidden places every day.

Well, I feel a cat nap coming on. I’ll go see if the dining room table is comfortable at all.

I will leave you with this human training video. Training like this everyday will soon result in absolutely perfect human behavior.

You can’t look at a sleeping cat and be tense. — Jane Pauley

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A good dog is an invisible dog

Hello, me again.

It is the 6th day of my imprisonment with these silly bipeds.

My harebrained humans went on holiday leaving me in a strange house with two hairless creatures who think that they speak kitty language. What is worse is that they say it funny, “miau” is not my language. Stop trying to speak to me in German or in “kitty language”, I know only two languages, English and bad English.

Even worse, they have no idea how to read MY kitty language. When I bite, this means “put me down and don’t hug me any more”. How much more clearly do I have to say it?

My two slaves have once again closed the bedroom door, not allowing me in to walk all over them as they try to sleep. Somehow they are managing to ignore my pitiful cries and insistent scratches on the door, thus I have decided to help myself to the computer again.

Someone needs to redesign and rename this “mouse”.

Since there are only so many times a guy can play “Castle Cat 4” without getting bored, I found my way to this nonsense.

Can you believe this? Humans are soooo stupid. DOGS! HA!

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. — Jeff Valdez

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Frank’s Rulz

OK, OK.
I know that not everybody enjoys cats.
If you’re not a cat lover, skip this one.
If you are a cat lover, enjoy Frank’s Rulz of Maintaining Dominion Over the Humans.
Yes, these are pictures of the master himself.

Guidelines for Cats

Doors
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

Bathrooms
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

Hampering
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering”:

* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

* For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

* For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Play
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I meant to do that!” It fools those humans every time.

Cat Games
* Catch Mouse
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

* King of the Hill
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

Warning: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Toys
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

* Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

* Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (& Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.

* When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

Paper Bags
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great Tagmatch.

Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

* When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

* Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.

* Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

* Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the “direct stare”, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

Sleeping

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Scratching Posts
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

Humans
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

Cats as Humanitarians
Humans have a very tenuous hold on reality and it is up to the cats to help them maintain their grasp on said reality. For instance, humans often speak to imaginary friends while holding a small object up to their ear, with no other humans in sight, obviously losing touch with the real world! A cat must put a stop to this as quickly as possible! Climb on the human and get your face right up in theirs and meow very loudly until the human acknowledges you, therefore bringing them back to reality. If that fails, you can use the top of your head to try and knock the small object out of their hand/away from their ear, which almost always succeeds in stopping their talking to thin air.

Human Inconsistency
Humans spend many hours sitting in front of a box with moving pictures, tapping tiny squares on a board with their fingertips…it is rumored that this is actually how humans sharpen their claws! Considering how sanctimonious they are when they catch cats sharpening their claws, humans obviously need a lesson in consistency. One of the best ways to do this is to walk on the board with the tiny squares…that will always get a huge reaction from the human, a good indication that you’re actually teaching them something! If that doesn’t work, lay on the board or throw up a furball on it! There’s no good reason why humans should be allowed to sharpen their claws while forbidding cats to do so!

Cat Speak
Humans will sometimes try to speak in cat language, attempting to ‘meow’ at you while having no real idea what they’re saying! Cats can either meow back and try and fool the human into thinking that there is a real connection going on, or they can stare at the human with a puzzled look on their face…after all, the human just told you that your mother was the whore of every tomcat in town! Did they mean that or did they simply not understand the implications of their attempting to meow? It’s hard to say, as the level of human advancement in this area is very limited…about the only ‘catspeak’ they actually understand is “I’m starving” and “Let me out…NOW!” If they have truly insulted you or your family, feel free to either tell them how stupid they are in cat language or walk away indignantly.

The Eternal Question
When faced with the age-old question, “Is it love, or is it the cat treat?”, we all know that it is the cat treat, of course. However, it is absolutely crucial that cats not let the humans know this, or the humans might stop sharing this treat with us! Always convince the human that your sudden, intense attention showered on them is LOVE! You can go back to normal behavior after the treat has been consumed!